A Journey of a Thousand Steps

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Laozi

I believe that we take many journeys in our lives.  Journeys that are critical part of our spiritual growth and evolution.  Some journeys are fast – we arrive at our destination quickly.  Some journeys feel instantaneous, like a car wreck.   Others take lifetimes.  And sometimes we don’t ever arrive at our destinations at all.

We think we have the right map, we think we understand it, but the path is never quite as clear as we think.  There are detours and construction and 

landslides and mudslides and sometimes even playground slides to divert us. 

And sometime we spend so much time waiting for a GPS that we forget to start!

I started this blog not sure what this journey was, wondering if I would ever find my voice.   Being quiet enough to hear it is a skill I struggle with.    And while I would say that I am a firm believer than when you truly open your heart and mind to the possibilities of the universe, you will find wonderful and amazing journeys that are life changing for you.  And to help guide your journey, you will find your life filled with the right people, in the right places, at the right times. 

As with all journeys, the path may be obscured, the map may be incomplete and there are no GPSs for life, but part of the journey is figuring it out in the way that works best for you.

I find myself in such a place now. 

I am a single mom to a wonderful, wise, brave little girl.  For the first two years of her life, I felt strong and powerful.  I walked away from a relationship with a man who I  came to realize was not right for me.   Knowing a window was closing I chose to bring my daughter into the world on my own.   I felt like I had grabbed the bull by the horns and was holding onto the tail of a tornado.  I thought I could do anything.

Then I couldn’t.  I bought a house.  Circumstances changed at work.  The economy tanked.  My family dynamic changed.  Life happened.

And that tornado whipped me up, spit me out just long enough for that bull to trample me and then it whipped me up again.  And instead of letting go, taking cover and finding a new way, I kept holding on.  I held on until I became my own horrible version of Dr. Hyde.  I became an over-stressed, over-worried, short-tempered, and angry. 

I yelled.  I bitched.  I moaned.  I isolated myself.  I isolated my daughter.  I numbed out with distractions – food, Facebook, shopping.   For four years, my life unraveled and even from inside the eye of the storm, I couldn’t see that I was wasting precious time and missing unrecoverable moments.  I knew I felt disconnected, especially from my daughter, but I couldn’t figure out how to reconnect. 

In books and movies, there is always that pivotal moment, that one situation or event that turns the tide so that the struggle ends.  I guess that sometimes happens for people, but for me, it wasn’t one moment. 

It was multiple moments.  It started with horrible, shaming, humiliating moments.    Moments that are still heartbreaking for me.   I have tears in my eyes right now, just thinking about them. 

Then there was an awakening.  A voice that said, “I don’t want to live like this.  I don’t want to be like this.  This is not the mother I want to be. “

My mom taught me not to pray for the answers to your problems, but rather for the guidance to find the answers.  To pray for a light to guide the way when the road gets rough and you can’t see where you are going.

I don’t think I ever really put into words, into prayer what I wanted, what I needed.  But I do feel like She listened to my heart.   She did not send a guiding light.  She sent more than I can count.

Loving support from old and new friends alike in ways I didn’t expect.  Writings that have touched my soul and provided direction on how to live the life and be the mom I want to be – and know that I can be.  Inspiration to take chances and pursue dreams.

The amount of God’s loving guidance I have received is amazing.  She has blessed me, and I admit, overwhelmed me with all of the inspiration and wisdom and guidance and information.   I sometimes struggle to take it in, to try it on to see what fits, to discard what does not.  To retain the right pieces when my brain struggles against once again reaching out to try to control the storm.

What is fascinating is how all of these different “lights” She has sent are on different subjects, yet there are common theme woven among them that ties all of these works together.    The synchronicity of it astound me, and I am excited to explore them , write about them and maybe, just maybe, tie them together into a magnificent strand of twinkle lights. 

Defining Wealth

Every day, I drive to and from work through a neighborhood that could be defined as “the wrong side of the tracks”.  It’s low-income and a lot of government subsidized housing.  A few years ago there was a shooting in a playground.  The residents post signs that read “We love you.  Stop shooting.”

There really isn’t any way for me to get to/from work without going through a neighborhood like this.  And this one is the shortest route, time-wise.  I admit that I lock my doors and keep an eye on my surroundings when I drive through this part of town. 

But, in the past couple months, something else has struck me about this neighborhood.  It is a community in the truest sense of the word.  In the summertime, people are out on their front stoops, sitting on benches or walking around the neighborhood visiting.  Children run and play ball, swing in the new playground. 

I see parents, grandparents and older siblings seeing young children safely to the bus stop.  I see neighbors people waving at each other – house to house, car to sidewalk, across the street.  It’s the kind of neighborhood where a driver will stop in the middle of the road to say “Hi” to someone they know.

And while I wish they would pull over, I can’t help but envy the people of this neighborhood a bit.

I live in a “nice” suburban neighborhood.  People paid full price for their homes, they own multiple cars --- and I rarely see them. 

In the summer everyone is holed up in the comfort of the air conditioning.  Kids don’t run from house to house, or ride their bikes up and down the street.  Many of us ride our kids to the bus stop, or even to school.  

We might say hi if we see each other while shoveling driveways or raking leaves, but if we are driving, the most we might do is smile and wave. 

We don’t go to one another’s homes in the evening for an iced tea or a beer.  We don’t sit outside and talk across the yards.  Kids aren't walking to each others houses.

I find my neighborhood a bit lonely.

I guess a lot of people would look at the neighborhood I see in my commute as poor.  But I think they are rich in ways that many of us just don’t understand or have enough appreciation for.

Bridging the Gap

OK – so I kind of knew this.  I think most people would say “Of course it takes time!”  But I think the “gap” is the biggest deterrent of people pursuing creative opportunities.  The gap is why I have had this blog for years and have yet to put up a single post.  Until now.

I want to write things that will inspire a variety of emotions.  I want you to read my blog and feel understood.  I want you to read my blog and say “YES!” 

I want my blog to be your daily “must read”. 

Like everyone else, I want to feel heard and worth listening too. 

I wanted to write a loving tribute to my life and my family, in the vein of one of my favorite bloggers, Claire at With All My Heart (actually I want to be Claire when I grow up, but that’s another story!)  But that isn’t who I am. 

So I have been afraid to write.  My few attempts have ended after less than five sentences.

Heck, even this isn’t really quite what I want to say or how I want to say it.

But I am going to keep trying.

And someday, I will bridge the gap!