Self Care and True Connection

I just had someone come up to me and exclaim, “Where have you been?  I haven’t talked to you in forever!  How are you?”

Twenty minutes later, I had not had the opportunity to answer her question, but I now know about her sick kids, the annoying thing her husband did and how stressful her holidays are going to be.

I wish I could say this was limited to this one person, or was a unique incident, but it is not.   In the past 6 months or so, I have noticed that I often find myself saying, “How are you?” and leaving a conversation realizing that I am being talked at, not talked to.  That my only role in the conversation is to provide support, encouragement and empathy. 

The few times I tried to shift the balance, I was disheartened to find that my "friend" was uncomfortable with opening space for my stories, quickly changed the subject or beat a hasty exit.  In two particularly hurtful cases where I shared some heartbreaking news, they actually curled their lips into an EWW face before their emotional or physical exit.

Don’t get me wrong, I am honored that people feel they can trust me with their stories.  I really am.  But I have recently come to realize that while I can identify many people who I feel I know intimately, there is not even a handful that I can say truly know me. 

I have been feeling angry, hurt and resentful.  And most of all, lonely. 

The past two months have been really really rough and I made some deliberate choices to engage in some self-care for the two of us.  Part of that is to be more selective about in whom and what I am investing my time. 

Facebook and other social media has made us relationship-lazy.  Being friends online is misconstrued as true connection.  We substitute an emoji or a “like” for legitimate interaction.  We delude ourselves into thinking that’s enough to sustain a relationship.   We have fallen prey to quick comments replacing meaningful conversation.  We text, to avoid talking.   

Social media and online engagement have its place.  I personally have benefited with some great relationships with people far away; people I would not know or be close to without it.  But the wholesale replacement of face-to-face, hearing a voice, sharing space with another human is unhealthy for our humanity and our hearts.

We have become so attuned to this largely one-way method of communication that we are losing our ability to interact, to converse, to dialogue instead of monologue. 

My decision to not be readily available for one-sided interactions I am sure has hurt some people, and for that, I am truly sorry.

To those who regularly call, text, engage with me in conversation, post meaningful responses to my social media posts – my profound gratitude for being willing to show up, be seen and for seeing me.  Thank you.