Help isn't always Helpful

I just read this article on Thrive Global on the impact parenting has on mental health.  I am torn between wondering what the hell took so long in getting people to start talking about it and “Duhhhh”.

There isn’t a lot of new info in this article – more on the “invisible load” that most mothers carry, especially working mothers, and how it takes it’s toll.  (there is also a brief section on the toll parenthood takes on fathers, which is talked about even less)  It’s a short recap of the issue.  The solutions posed are equally short – make sure you enlist extra help with household chores and childcare.  Same old, same old.

For Choice Single Moms (SMCs), the answer isn’t always this simple.  We all know we can’t trade off with a spouse or partner for a break.  No one else is picking up the slack when we are sick, when there is an emergency that needs our attention or when our kids need more of our time.

I get that I need self care and time to myself.  And honestly throughout my daughter’s life, I have always had people willing to step up and take on childcare so I can have that.  But guess what?  I NEVER EVER feel like that’s what I need.

 

Because if I have free time, I will 99.9% of the time use it (unless I am sick or REALLY at the end of my rope) for housework.  Catching up on laundry, dishes, cleaning out old toys and clothes, cleaning the bathroom, wading through the paperwork and business of being an adult and a home owner and a thousand other things that need attending to that I won’t likely get to.

And what I am desperately needing, and wanting most, is more breathing space to feel like a present and attentive parent.   It’s help with chores – trim the hedges, turn over garden beds, drop off donations, bring the trash cans back in.  

Having a tween requires so much more emotionally and mentally of parents.  I am often exhausted from the intensity of it.   I usually feel like I my parenting style is “drive by” because I am dealing with a lot of it on the fly and have to multitask through it.   Tell me about your day while I get dinner going.   Let’s talk about this really difficult thing you are going through as we are rushing to get out the door for school.   Let’s discuss that tough thing that happened in class today as we drive to and from a lesson.  

This is NOT the type of parent I want to be. I often am angry and resentful. And as I watch our government move to make life even harder for hard-working, middle class people, I feel hopeless and helpless.

My situation doesn’t allow for the added expense of a cleaning person.  I cannot afford to outsource my laundry or my yard work.  A professional organizer is beyond my budget.  But asking for help where I really need it, isn’t acceptable.   I can’t ask someone to come help me clean the house, fold laundry, put away Christmas decorations or reseal my deck.  That’s not OK in our society. 

So where does that leave us?  Where does that leave our kids?  I am so tired of the solution for working moms being hire someone, get help from a spouse many of us don't have or give up even more time with your kids.  Because for many of us, that’s no solution at all.